That just describes the feeling I get with this term, because, I think, there is some part of the term that I am guilty of yet I don't know if I should feel guilty for it.
It doesn't help that socially hot topics aren't something that encourages conversation. Most people with strong opinions in this area tend to judge by emotion and have trouble relating to people with my type of brain wiring; to not simply understand or empathize with them means I'm stupid or ignorant, or worse.
What I really would like to do is solve what it is about the term "slut shaming" that rings that cognitive dissonance bell in my brain; what am I not understanding? Or do I have an opinion formed, but am missing a key aspect of the topic to have an informed opinion?
I've had this topic in my Trello list of Things To Possibly Blog About for awhile; I'd glance at it, and think about it, turn it over in my head a bit and end up thinking, "Let's save this for later" once more to let the topic ferment in my brain a little longer. I'd re-watch Laci Green videos, like her Jenna Marbles video response to Jenna's Slut Edition video.
I also watched Laci's appearance on Dr. Phil in an attempt to understand the topic better. I've watched that episode several times, as a matter of fact. And yet...something about it left me feeling more lost than educated.
The Dr. Phil show no doubt was considered, for the general audience that watches his show each weekday, an educational source. But what do you learn from it? Let's break it down.
The episode is called "Girls Who Bash Girls Who Dress Sexy." I'd link to an episode, but a few have already been pulled by television networks claiming copyright infringement, so nothing guarantees my links won't go stale within days so you may have to look it up yourself.
The episode opens with Phil bringing up the latest news headlines regarding the Steubenville rape of a 16 year old girl, where he then ties "blaming the victim" to the term "slut shaming." Both of the terms are already emotionally charged, so I suppose this is an early warning of what the show will be aiming for in terms of what the viewer should conclude lest they are obviously deviant of Dr. Phil's viewership.
He introduces his first guest, a teenager who posted a meme that ended up going viral. She thought her peer age group were often dressing "inappropriate" and decided to post a picture expressing her opinion.
Dr. Phil touches on spoofs of her post as well as people who have given her death threats and insults as a result of her opinion.
This, he said, was kind of the genesis of slut shaming, judging others for their choice of dress. I'll file that away as an aspect of slut shaming:
Telling someone to not show so much cleavage is slut shaming. You're seeing someone's choice of dress, you carry the opinion they should not do this, and make them feel bad for it. The show also labeled this as judging them which is both true and emotionally charged so if you don't necessarily agree, you're made to feel like the bad person in the narrative (can you tell I'm more sensitive to emotional bias when it seems to be more for manipulation purposes instead of education?)
Next up was someone he obviously threw in as the villain in the show. Jason carries the opinion that slut shaming is not only okay, it's a noble pursuit. He doesn't think you should respect people who have no respect for themselves, and slut shaming is about taking responsible for your actions and the consequences of spreading your legs for all sorts of people.
Jason maintains that he judges people by their behavior, which Dr. Phil counters with he's judging people without knowing that is what they're doing. When pressed, he tacitly admits it's based on their dress or rumor. He tries to make his point that if Lady Gaga wears a meat dress in the savannah and a lion eats her; maybe the meat suit isn't the best choice of apparel. "We judge people a lot by what we wear," he said. Dr. Phil counters by showing a picture of he and his wife at a social event (I assume, since he's wearing a suit jacket and open-collar button up shirt and his wife was) wearing a low-cut dress, to which Jason says she's dressed "very tastefully." This was another manipulative moment to define him as the bad guy; what else could he say?
He was going to introduce his next guest, so what did this segment tell me about slut shaming?
Slut shaming is based on seeing people's choice of dress and drawing conclusions about them. There's obviously more I'm supposed to draw from this because it was so blatantly transparent that Jason was cast as the villain of the episode, but I'm trying to enlighten myself a bit about slut shaming, not get sucked into the dramatic aspects of the show. Jason was trying to say that people have conclusions drawn about them because, in part, of the way they dress; he then labels them as sluts given their "uniforms," and assumes more about their behaviors, which is the part he really is taking umbrage to. Their behavior, in turn, is what he disapproves of and sees as irresponsible.
The next guest was Laci Green. Dr. Phil defined slut shaming as women being made to feel inferior because they are dressing, acting, or engaging in inappropriate behavior that connotes sexuality. He then introduces Laci Green saying that slut shaming is about controlling women, not teaching self-respect.
She is quoted from her video talking about promiscuity being a "bad decision" for women, being called slut, losing respect, or asking to be raped. Meanwhile, "dudes" being promiscuous is a "good decision." She goes on to say that, from society's view, dudes are expected to make bad decisions so it's okay.
Dr. Phil and Laci then attack Jason, where Dr. Phil compares his view as bullying. ("Bullying" is a wonderful hot-button word to use.) Why he took this opportunity to attack Jason right after introducing Laci I'm not sure...what was the point of having Laci on? Her viewpoint was entirely summed up by the video, then her chance to talk (on the broadcast) was basically to echo that she disagreed with Jason, then another guest was introduced.
So what do I take away from Laci's segment?
Slut shaming is about controlling women and being sexist, because men aren't shamed for slutty behavior.
His next guest was Trisha, who is shamed by women for the way she dresses. She talked about people anonymously attacking her, then referencing Jason by saying people like him were cowardly when they couldn't hide behind a computer screen.
(It's really hard for me to even pretend you're trying to have a dialog or educate someone when you demonize the person you're trying to convince of the error of their ways. You're doing little more than stooping to a level of childishness and...what, trying to shame them into seeing your side of the argument?)
Trisha talks about sluts, when she was growing up, were the girls who had sex with a lot of people; they screwed half the town or many people in school. Now they were calling her a slut because of the way she dressed.
Jason was pressed for his opinion, and he said she was dressing for attention. She denied this, saying she's all about being "girly" and she's proud of being curvy. She said she's not even interested in men right now.
Laci adds that even if it were for attention, she doesn't see what's inherently wrong with dressing the way you want. It says something more about the person who's judging them rather than the person wearing the outfit. Jason tries to say that most men don't really care what women are wearing but other women seem to judge each other for this, which Laci interjects that many people do care, but then seems to agree that it is a problem because women judge each other for this and not men. She seems really angry that there is a perceived double standard...and the fact that they both seem to say that women are harsh on other women more then men is never pointed out; it's a rule that you don't concede a point to the villain.
Trisha added that she hadn't had sex in three years, yet Jason concluded she was loose and said as much on national television, so he shouldn't be judging her by what she was wearing.
This marked the end of Trisha's segment. What did I conclude I was supposed to learn from this?
Sluts are girls who sleep around, not dress in a provocative or revealing manner.
Phil's next segment was highlighting the "Slut Walk," protests against victim blaming in rapes. Scantily clad women march to reclaim the term "slut." He then introduced Kira, who is an "advocate of modesty" and said that slut shaming is a term used to silence people like her. People are engaging in a competition to sexualize themselves, and she thinks it's an issue of wanting attention. "Women need to put a little more thought into the image they are projecting."
Kira talks about promiscuity having consequences that can follow you for the rest of your life, and that concerns her. She also said that slut shaming is a term to shame people who feel others should be more modest.
Dr. Phil says that you cannot criticize, humiliate, censor, or hold them up to public ridicule and not consider yourself a bully.
He keeps finding reasons to bring that word into the conversation..."bully."
Kira just replies that she's not advocating Jason's position (another slam!) but is advocating modesty and she shouldn't feel ashamed for advocating this.
Phil says it's a leap to go from thinking this person is dressing in a way you wouldn't, to assuming this person is sleeping around and exposing themselves to STD's and such. He also talks about how he has two boys that dress very different, one a rocker, one a preppy Wall Street type, but talking to them they are alike.
This marked the end of another segment. What did I take away from this?
Slut shaming encourages you to draw conclusions about people from their choice of dress, and it doesn't necessarily reflect the truth about who they are. I say this because Kira made a point of advocating for modesty and feeling that slut shaming was a term made to label her as unreasonable, but the host of the program instead discussed how deceiving looks are, which doesn't seem relevant to the guest's point. He talked about his similar-personality yet differently imaged boys, and he discussed someone who had backlash after pointing out Miley Cyrus had been in a 3-year relationship but was labeled a bitch and slut, while Taylor Swift has been with 13 guys in 3 years but is labeled inspirational and sweet. He didn't seem to address Kira's point at all other than the comment regarding bullying...implying she was a bully.
Next up was a guest speaking on behalf of Felicia Garcia, a teen from Staten Island, jumped in the path of a train after she ran a train on four football players and a few girls and a couple of guys harassed her about it mercilessly. "Words don't hurt, but they kill," Alissa, her friend, said. The segment was little more than telling the story of how she was bullied until she killed herself. "She made a mistake" (referencing having sex with four guys.)
Dr. Phil talks about promiscuity being about pain, lack of self worth, need to be accepted, lack of self esteem, basically a number of things that aren't sex. So the label of slut ignores the actual issues and just adds to the issues that may have driven that behavior in the first place.
The next segment continued the Felicia story, but then he introduced Gabriella Van Rij, author of an anti-bullying book, and a small discussion on getting help for kids being bullied. The only thing I remember of her contributions were that 85% of the girls she talked to in schools claim to have been bullied (is that a real statistic, or anecdotal?) and that people don't need their mistakes pointed out to them repeatedly, they know they screwed up and are humiliated enough.
This segment, I suppose, is supposed to tell me that slut shaming is a form of bullying that can lead to suicide. Especially if you're a teenager where everything is a major, universe-changing incident, from being picked on to having a pimple break out before prom.
Here's the summary of what conclusions I drew from the show:
- Telling someone to not show so much cleavage is slut shaming.
- Slut shaming is based on seeing people's choice of dress and drawing conclusions about them.
- Dr. Phil defined slut shaming as women being made to feel inferior because they are dressing, acting, or engaging in inappropriate behavior that connotes sexuality.
- Slut shaming is about controlling women and being sexist, because men aren't shamed for slutty behavior.
- Sluts are girls who sleep around, not dress in a provocative or revealing manner.
- Slut shaming encourages you to draw conclusions about people from their choice of dress, and it doesn't necessarily reflect the truth about who they are.
- Slut shaming is a form of bullying that can lead to suicide.
I had a few problems with this presentation of slut shaming that I think impedes my ability to properly understand the argument. At the very least, there are some issues that I don't think were addressed.
Several times, the point of the choice of dressing style carrying the connotation of behaving in a certain manner or believing in a certain lifestyle had come up but was not addressed beyond dismissing it as being misleading, or at most having the label of "judging others" slapped on the act so as to shut down the subject (since judging others carries a negative connotation, therefore you're performing a negative act and should be ashamed of yourself for judging someone.)
Yet we choose our image every time we get dressed and go into public. In the segment where Phil shows a picture of himself with his wife, I guessed he was at a social function; it was outdoors, there were other people around, but he's wearing a suit jacket with button up shirt, she was wearing a low-cut (but elegant!) dress. It's never brought up why he is hosting the show in a suit coat, trousers and tie. Why does he wear this outfit? Is it just what he is most comfortable wearing? Or is it because he won't be taken seriously wearing pajama pants and tee-shirt, something I've seen more than once in high schools and in Wal-Mart?
Come to think of it, the guests on the show were all wearing outfits that, on the average spectrum of clothing, would be considered less casual and more dressy. Even Trisha, the one criticized for her outfits, wore something that didn't show much cleavage.
Why? Why did they choose the clothes they wore?
How can you claim that outfits don't mean anything when there was obviously some shared theme to the choice of outfits worn for appearing on TV?
We do judge people at some level when we see them. Snap judgement act as a shortcut for our brains; it's a simple way to evaluate how we should react to people around us.
Is it realistic to pretend we don't acknowledge that we do certain things to project a certain image? Many people will say they don't care how people see them when they dress; it's their own style, or it's just an expression of themselves. SO DON'T JUDGE ME!
But...how are you expressing yourself without those styles having a certain meaning? Otherwise you're expressing nothing. It communicates nothing. Even the act of communicating nothing is a form of communication, much in the same way as the people in high school who go against the grain by actively trying not to fit in with the pre-labeled social cliques become, themselves, their own group.
Right or wrong, your clothes do draw certain judgements from others.
Think people might be a little more hesitant talk about their beliefs, if they're not Christian, and you're wearing a cross on your neck?
You think teens didn't get backlash if they wore a trenchcoat to school after Columbine?
Even Phil talking about his son wearing rock musician outfits said there were unusual looking kids at the concerts...implying they tend to wear a particular style of clothing to fit in with a certain crowd.
The rational part of my brain will say that the outfit doesn't necessarily reflect who that person is in other ways; looks can be deceiving. But on the other hand, the outfits are still a reflection of how they want you to see them. They are projecting an image that you're expected to understand. And it's a disingenuous joke to expect people to not draw conclusions based on your outfit, whether it's to tell others you're a 'Don't mess with me' biker in a leather jacket or a 'Respect me' business suit.
Is it realistic to expect people not to draw conclusions about the image you project?
You can choose to reject their judgements or conclusions. You can choose to put the onus of changing opinions on yourself, and change the image you project. But you really shouldn't whine about it; I fully expect strange stares if I wore a spiked red mohawk, or a garishly multicolored muumuu to work, because these are fully outside of society's norms to the point where it would be considered strange. There are already the occasional odd look from people when you're strolling into a building in the financial district, populated by bankers and traders and other expensive suits, while wearing a tee-shirt and jeans.
I also think that there was another point of possible irony that was glossed over. When Laci's video was being played, there was a bit blipped out; "Women, you don't give away your precious <blip> gift until you're under the ownership of a man!"
Watching her actual, unedited video, the word blipped out was "vagina."
When showing the montage of images for Trisha during her introduction, there were a number of shots where her cleavage was fuzzed out. Basically, censoring her body.
...if these things aren't inappropriate, if these are things that shouldn't matter, why were they censored?
Isn't that a non-verbal slut shaming, saying that whatever outfit she was wearing in those images cannot be shown on television?
And keep in mind that not only was Phil humiliating and criticizing Jason, which would fall into the purview of his repeated call of bullying, but his show censored Laci and Trisha.
There's some irony, if not cognitive dissonance, to that.
In the end I'm seeing hypocrisy in the show's message, and never having the point of how appearance draws judgements from others (and engaging in dressing in a certain manner for the show, implying that outfits do project a certain image and adds to the legitimacy of the idea that there are "appropriate" outfits) properly addressed or acknowledged.
I'm confused in this.
The idea of social shaming is also never addressed, and the relationship of social shaming to slut shaming. Social behaviors reinforced through collective social shaming has been a strong force since...well, societies existed. Why is social shaming allowed, and in many ways encouraged, yet slut shaming is somehow special and needs to be excluded?
Perhaps the big difference is whether you make your disapproval known. You can disapprove of a behavior or outfit without telling the person, although then I am lost as to where the difference is that this isn't the same as a chilling effect, discouraging you from expressing an opinion.
Perhaps my mistake is trying to understand this concept through the lens of a daytime TV show. It seemed pretty obvious that it was less about educating and more about forming a dramatic narrative; Dr. Phil's show had a definite "here's what you should believe" instead of a "here are the facts" approach.
Or maybe this is a topic governed largely by emotion and less by rationalization, so it's a little more nuanced and complex than I can easily empathize with. I'll probably continue to turn this topic over in my head, trying to understand it better...but if I've gone this long without understanding it, I'm not sure I ever will.
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