"What's It Like To Live In New York City?"

I needed to kill some time before meeting up with my son and parents in his classroom for a class pizza party. I decided to pass this time by hanging around my wife's classroom and siphon Internet connectivity while she taught some high schoolers that light is faster than sound (apparently there are high schoolers that do not know this, which is, in my opinion, utterly pathetic and a subject for a separate rant.)

One of my wife's students asked what it was like to live in the city. On the surface that seems like a simple question, probably because it was likely meant as a shallow kind of question people ask in passing, like asking about the weather or inquiring how you are doing. But when I thought about it, the question is deceptively complex.

The town I grew up in is rural. Very rural. Not necessarily outhouse-for-a-bathroom or travel fifteen minutes just to find another inhabited house level rural (although my great-grandmother did have an outhouse and lived in this general area...), but it was rural enough that we tend to have more cows than people and about as many bars as churches. The county I grew up in was nearly 1,200 square miles and had a population density of approximately 55 people per square mile, which sounded impressive to me until I found that New York City alone is 470 square miles and has a population density a little under 28,000 people per square mile. The people are stacked into skyscrapers like food on the plate of our local Chinese Buffet customer.

People are bad with numbers. But the fact that the entire county can't hold a candle to the population density of the city should tell you the magnitude of difference between the home town where she was accustomed to living versus the city in which I spend most of my time now. If not, I suppose the fact that New York City has people running small stores dedicated just to selling "I <heart> NY" kitsch, and managing to stay in business despite the soul-crushing amount charged for rent, while my home town can barely sustain a business that isn't tied to a national chain might be more relatable as a measure.

"Have you ever been to the city?" I ask.

"Once. On a field trip."

"Oh, a field trip. I'm guessing you went to Times Square?"

That was exactly where she went. She alluded to how expensive it was, and how the kids had to pay for everything. "Even taking pictures of people in costumes!" she said.

Oh, Times Square. I was overwhelmed with it at first too; it's so iconic, so recognizable. That's exactly why Times Square, along with Central Park, led the way in increased police patrols when the local government decided to clean up prostitution and crime and make the city more tourist-friendly.

And tourist-friendly it became, which also meant it became a magnet for spectacle. I've had my picture taken with body-painted women in Times Square. There's an indoor ferris wheel at the Times Square Toys R Us. It's been featured in countless television shows, movies and New Years Rockin' Eve specials.

"Technically you didn't have to pay them. But they'd harass you if you didn't," I said.

But that doesn't answer the question; what's it like to live in New York City? In order to answer that question, we would have to have some common reference point. I'm not entirely sure there is one.

Sure, there are a lot of big buildings. Tall things that don't dot the landscape; they are the landscape. This is perpetuated in countless shows. But it's not the entire picture. Or rather, it's not the New York City I know. Skyscrapers are basically three quarters of Manhattan, one of five boroughs that comprise the city. The other boroughs have a few high structures and plenty of population-dense areas, but the phallic representations symbolic of Wall Street are pretty much condensed around Wall Street.

I have seen celebrity; been there, done that. I've seen Carol Burnett. I've seen Tyrese Gibson with Run DMC's Rev Run. I've had a book signed by Stephen King as well as Neil Gaiman. It took a few moments for Norma and I to realize Al Roker pedaled right past us as we walked through midtown. I debated going to a book signing by Hillary Clinton and another by Danielle Fishel. I can't begin to enumerate the list of celebrities I've missed performing on Broadway if I were driven enough to spend hundreds of dollars to see them on stage.

In the hometown I think we once had Bea Arthur visit a local theater to give a talk.

I've been to the Body Worlds museum, where you see actual plasticized human bodies dissected and frozen in different poses for eternity. There's a museum dedicated to the subway system.  There are exhibits about the technology of the Avengers and Hunger Games. I still have a visit to the Museum of Sex on my bucket list.

My home town has a museum dedicated to...well, there's a historic site with information about some french settlers that were in the area for a period of time. And the local history society has a museum with artifacts from the area.

There had to be an intersection of understanding somewhere.

"Imagine living next to a shopping mall," I said, referring to the major shopping hub about half an hour away from the school we were sitting in. Much of the town heads there on the weekend for their outlet shopping needs when the local K-Mart or Walmart just doesn't have the items that discerning shoppers find in Target. "Mainly because I do live next to a shopping mall."

Which is true. In the city, I'm a few blocks away from a couple malls, with no skyscrapers in sight. For the most part suburbia with apartments and malls and chain restaurants around me in Queens.

"I'd love that!" she said.

But even that loses luster after awhile. I suppose there's truth to the Garfield aphorism, "It's not the having, it's the getting." Or maybe Elizabeth Taylor said it. I don't know for sure. I just know I walk by this mall every workday and I have rarely ever made a side trip to shop for something.  Maybe it's my age that means I find comfort in the readily accessible bathroom, nearby bed for sleepy time, and computer calling me to log into Netflix instead of shuffling around JC Penney or Gamestop.

She asked how often I eat out. My wife was quick to point out my employer supplies lunches for free; otherwise I'd probably spend way too much money at the nearby Chipotle, Wendy's or Melt Shop. "I really don't eat out much. It's too damn expensive." Again...very true. A meal at a local restaurant here, for my family, even with alcohol will push maybe $50. We just went to a local Chinese Buffet (I think I mentioned that...) and I, my wife, my son and my parents ate for under $40. In the city the average chain can easily run $70 as a base cost for just three of us. I'd not go to any "known" restaurant (or family sit-down restaurant) with less than $120 in my wallet. If we were careful we could probably get delivery for a decent price; otherwise we'd have to shop around to find a bargain. Cost of eating out once in awhile just isn't a big deal in the small town area for the average family (notice I said once in awhile...eating out every night would without a doubt be a budget buster.)

For me, eating leftovers or microwaving a frozen sandwich from the Costco freezer is just fine.

But I doubt she'd be able to relate to that, as a student. The home town is spread out enough that having a car isn't a luxury; it's a necessity and thus a rite of passage. In the city I ride the subway every day with the exception of days I'm lugging suitcases to the bus station. Having a car in the city means paying between $300 and $500 a month just to park it in one spot; that doesn't count the cost of parking in a garage in the city when I actually commute somewhere (unless I manage to find parking on the street, and and carry with that the associated risk of leaving a car in the open. Crime is on the downturn but I still see quite a few cars sporting The Club antitheft devices on the steering wheel (although those are apparently a bad idea...). That's on top of increased insurance rates, and usually the car only offers the convenience of coming and going when you please rather than depending on the MTA's schedule. Well, that, and you get a personal seat with some environment control from the heater or AC, depending on time of year.

She may "get it" when I say it's expensive, but not truly get it.

I pay one and a half times my mortgage for my apartment per month. My home has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a basement on three acres of land. With AC. My apartment is basically a living room and bathroom and a bedroom an hour away from my workplace. And I'm paying one and a half times more for the apartment. Where I don't have control over the neighbors possibly burning candles or bringing used furniture laced with bedbugs.

Oh, the bedbugs! I live in a perpetual fear of that word. Bedbugs. They carry a stigma along with the near impossibility of eradicating without also losing all your belongings (or losing many of them along with a few thousand dollars in exterminator fees to try saving your belongings...but from anecdotes I've heard, you might as well burn your clothes and furniture and start over.)

I'm not a huge fan of the summertime in the city. It gets hot...not summertime in Vegas hot, but 80's and 90's uncomfortably hot. The city has a unique geography that makes the effect worse; it's filled with black pavement, brick and stone facade buildings that concentrate and magnify the sun. But the city is located on the beach; the proximity to the ocean means the city gets the humidity of the ocean but, for most of the people living and working in the city, there are none of the benefits of the beach life. Indeed, it feels strange how little rainfall the city seems to get. The buildings play games with the winds so we don't even get a sea breeze.

Winter does tend to make up for that a little, however. The alleys concentrate the wind to form a kind of pseudo-wind tunnel effect, so the moment you step between buildings you get a sudden punch of pure chill.

There are also little things that I noticed as "different" from back home. Not just the obvious like being able to order a food delivery at two in the morning during a hurricane while my home town shuts down around seven or eight in the evening.

"I think McDonalds is open all night," she said. "Maybe Wal-Mart too."

Yes, that's true, as is the local mini-marts that now sell subs and pizza at late hours. A few of the local super-mini-marts are 24 hours. But it's not quite the same. And it's also recent. I grew up when the town actually shut down. There was even a kind of curfew in effect. It wasn't so much a law as it was a non-surprise when the town cop pulled out behind you at night and selectively pulled you over to find out what you were doing out late while not old enough to have a beard.

The town is slowly being dragged by necessity of expectations from newcomers working in the gas industry, as well as the realization of unclaimed profits, from staying open later. As I previously mentioned the city has shops that specialize in selling luggage or NYC-exclusive kitsch. When there's enough people to support that level of specialization, it's pretty safe to assume there's a longstanding tradition of some store or restaurant being open and probably willing to deliver to your apartment.

What little things are there?

I mentioned the lack of cars. The majority of people use public transit to get around the city. Cars are a huge expense in the city. This means you see a lot more walking. This introduces a new problem; if you don't have a lot of money (enough to afford routine periodic deliveries), how do you get supplies? Especially for families. You're limited to a couple of shopping bags at a time; basically you whatever you can carry with you are your groceries.

But people adapt. This means you see carts. All the time. People usually have one or two collapsible wire pushcarts. They take them shopping, load those up, and roll their groceries home. Back home you never see people with personal carts; groceries fill the trunk, they drive them home, and make trips between the car and front door until stocked up.

Another challenge is the weather. Sure, there's crappy weather back home. Normally the worst weather means a race between the door car. In the city, you may be hiking several blocks in a light rain. Or hazy fog. It's not really common to have rain, but when it does, moving around in wet clothes tends to be more than  little annoying.

It's still surprising to find people with umbrellas in the city. Or as I call them, sidewalk sails. It takes surprisingly little wind to turn umbrellas into inverted cups rather than protective domes. It's not a surprise to see the remnants of umbrellas lying in garbage cans or along the sideswalks.

Other things I've noticed; people in suits spitting like rednecks. New York is a city of social extremes; I work near Wall Street and there are people who don't give a second thought to the fact they are walking past homeless people while wearing $700 shoes. There is a social strata that looks like a parfait, with the wealthiest comprising a thin layer of cream on top of thick layers of the less privileged. Naturally it's a little strange to see someone in a business suit casually spitting as if removing chew from their cheek.

Weird is usually not noticed in the city, which is nice. Being different back home makes you an anomaly, and anomalies are usually not something to be treated with a live and let live mentality. Which I suppose is great for people who want to use that as an opportunity to seek attention. In the city, you ignore the mundane and the unique. I saw a father holding a little girl over a grate as she peed. I see people with animals perched on their heads. I once saw a plane rotating on a pole as an "art exhibit." An actual plane.

Except Times Square. It's hard not to take notice of topless women wearing paint and Iron Man that looks like he's returning from retirement to squeeze into the suit once more to fight evil and collect tips for photographs.

We have lots of events. Street fairs, for example. They'll shut down blocks of roads to set up booths and sell necklaces and hats and shirts and ethnic food. If you walk more than a couple of blocks you'll notice that the booths seem to repeat, though. It's kind of spooky, as if you walked a little too far and reappeared a few blocks backwards in time.

Other events seem more random, like the time I came upon a silent dance party. An area was cleared out and a small DJ stand was set up. They handed out headphones to participants, and the headphones were receivers for whatever music the DJ's were transmitting. It was a large group of random strangers dancing around with headsets on.

And there are other grand spectacles as well. It's like the city thrives on spectacle; maybe it's a distraction from the high rents or slowly decaying public transit system, maybe it's truly an annual celebration. I think it's a mix of both.

Some of the spectacles you're probably aware of, like the forty foot tree in Rockefeller Center. Or the New Year's Eve bash in Times Square. These kinds of things are rather popular on television and nearly impossible for people go to. I once tried going to Rockefeller Center for the tree ceremony; I was there a couple of hours early, but there was no way I was getting within two blocks of the event. People were apparently waiting an absurd amount of hours to get decent standing spots near the performance stage. And if you ever wondered how it is possible for people to get trampled or trapped in a crowd, try going to one of these types of events. You'll quickly learn how that's possible. Also, don't eat or drink for half a day beforehand. You aren't taking a whiz unless it's on the person standing next to you in one of these events, because there's no way you're leaving once you're in the heart of that crowd.

Other spectacles are a little less advertised, like Fleet Week. Want to see fighters and battleships cruising around? That's the time to visit. The New York Marathon passed in front of my first apartment...quite a crowd had gathered. Or you get events that weren't necessarily planned, like Occupy Wall Street. There is a certain rush being near events that end up as breaking news near where you are. Maybe you heard about the time someone climbed the Brooklyn Bridge and removed the American flags, replacing them with white flags? I saw that on Twitter as a news event and just turned to look out my window to see the white flags waving in the breeze. There have been times I see "breaking news" about protesters blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge and I can watch the flashing police lights from my office seat.

It's like a shared experience to see this thing that is not only happening near me, but in the news as well. Maybe it's an extension of a need for people to connect in some way. Maybe it's a way to feed the inner narcissist, to have this "thing" happen that now you can be part of.

An extension of that would be visiting the movie icons. Norma and I had experienced that before I moved to the city when we went to Las Vegas for our honeymoon; every time we saw CSI, we actually knew about the locations they referenced. We had been to many of the casinos and had driven to some of the locations the show visited, and it was eerie to think that we had been standing in spots the cameras were now sweeping their gaze upon.

In New York, I used to work in an office building where we could see the Statue of Liberty in the distance. Looking down I could see the Wall Street Bull. I can't even venture a guess how many movies were shot in Central Park. I used to live in an apartment by which the Roosevelt Island tram would float by, which was featured in a Spider-Man movie. Even the Brooklyn Bridge has been in the Batman movies. Someday I want to pay a visit to the Ghostbusters firehouse. Movies are being shot all the time around the city; it's no longer strange to me to find small notices taped along the street warning you against parking on such-and-such a date due to filming lest you have your car towed. There were scenes shot for a popular TV show outside my apartment while I was at work one day. The CEO of the company for which I work said the TV show "666 Park Avenue" used his apartment building as a set. Remember Stark Tower, later changed to the Avengers Tower in Iron Man and The Avengers? That's the Met Life building, with the top digitally altered. My walks frequently passed the avenue over which the Met Life building towered when I lived in Manhattan. Now I live closer to the giant globe called the Unisphere and seen in movies like Men In Black and Iron Man.

If you live in a place like my hometown, enjoy the space. The city doesn't seem to have a lot of that. Every time I go into a supermarket I'm lucky if I can maneuver a cart around without hitting someone. In fact I rarely use carts, preferring instead to carry a basket with me. I think the city grocery stores are roughly half the size of the average supermarket back home. There's a Costco not far from me, and for a superstore, you can barely get around the aisles; most frustrating are the shoppers that stop for seemingly no reason and stare off into the distance or just block the aisle while looking like they're pondering whether they want 5 pounds of chicken legs or 5 pounds of chicken tenders. It's a special kind of frustrating when you feel clausterphobically squeezed and you just want to get some shopping done.

I guess the last thing I learned living in the city is just how alone you can be, despite being surrounded by millions of people. There's a kind of personal space barrier that is erected because of the number of strangers that you come into close proximity to. Headphones are a must; otherwise you get pegged as a tourist, and the odds of being solicited for money increase significantly. And interacting with people can be dangerous. Most people, admittedly, are not dangerous; but there's always a nonzero chance that you're going to be played for a sucker. People will lie, and people will play on your emotions if it means profiting.

I periodically travel back home on the bus, which means a fun trip to the Port Authority. Sometimes my family was traveling on the bus as well, and one time my wife recognized a guy soliciting "anything you can spare" because his luggage was stolen and he was trying to get a ticket to travel home in Virginia. Or Carolina. Something. I don't recall. The point was this guy had been spotted by us with the same schtick in the Port Authority over at least 6 months.

Generally speaking, if someone wants to talk to you, it usually ends in trying to solicit money. And sometimes those people don't always seem the most...stable. The best thing to do is keep your headphones on and pretend the world doesn't exist; mind your own business, and you should be okay. It's isolating. But safer. I'm sure some people would argue it's better to have the contrary view.

So what's it like to live in New York City? It's exciting. It's busy. It's filled with opportunities. It's expensive as hell, and keeps getting more expensive. It's crowded. It's dirty. It's sad. It's lonely. It's loud. It's iconic. It's hot in the Summertime, and swirls with uncomfortable amounts of humidity. It's diverse. And these things are something that can be acknowledged without truly understanding them until you see a guy holding his toddler daughter over a street grate so she can take a whiz in the middle of the day and no one seems to notice.