Remember When Banks Weren't Entirely Evil?

My family hasn't had much luck with "local" (read: not international Wall Street-headquartered) banks in recent time. I've started to expect banks, even "home town" banks, to try to dick over their customers.

The first sign this month was when my parents paid to have our home's value assessed in a bid to have their names removed from the mortgage held by Citizen's and Northern. My parents had cosigned many many years ago when my wife and I were first starting out in home ownership; we both had jobs, and we've never missed a payment. In fact, we were paid ahead, paying extra on our mortgage payments up until I moved to NYC and we knocked back payments to the minimum in a bid to have a little extra cushion in the transition from paying for a house to paying for a house plus the ridiculous cost of living in the city.

The bank sent the assessor and she walked the house and left. The assessment came in. And we collectively gasped as the house's value had fallen nearly $30K.

Why?

The reasons cited to me were things like "animal smell" (which makes some sense, given there is a cat box that despite being emptied before the arrival of the assessor I know the animals are immediately drawn to use it as if out of spite), dirty walls (the hallways were never painted. If or when we sold the house, we'd most likely paint them; that's kind of a derp, as far as I'm concerned, and it certainly doesn't cost thousands of dollars to paint the areas not currently painted) and the carpeting is worn (we've not replaced it in a decade; while it certainly could use a good steam cleaning, we also swore we're note replacing it until the child has turned 18 and moved from the house.)

We had previous assessments performed, like when we refinanced and when the house was built; the home had gone up in value, then with this assessment plummeted by an amount none of us expected, despite having things like a coal stove installed which should, in theory, have raised the value of the home (we have a chimney now!)

When my parents, who paid for the assessment, went to talk to the bank about the findings because they seem more than a little fucked up, the bank promptly gave them the runaround. They're still getting stonewalled, having been told by a couple of their representatives that a supervisor will get back to them. It's been a couple of weeks now and they're still giving my parents the runaround.

My irritation with banks bubbled today because I decided to finally convert some rolled coin to dollars. I didn't think this was much of a chore; There is a bank, Astoria Bank, just a couple blocks from my apartment. I figured that converting rolled coin is something any bank can perform, given that they aren't losing anything in the transaction. They're literally taking rolls of coins and giving me the same amount back as paper currency; they don't need to take a risk that my check will bounce or some other ripoff attempt from a dishonest customer. At most I could shortchange them some coins (or, I suppose, a cylinder of metal stuck into a coin roll.)

I should probably note that, to the best of my knowledge, I did not shortchange them.

Anyway I pack up all the rolled coinage in a little case, and that case is now surprisingly heavy. I'm quite glad the bank is just a couple blocks away. I get there, walk in, wait in the queue a few minutes and finally step up to the teller. "Can you convert rolled coin to bills?"

"Do you have an account with us?"

"No..."

"Sorry, can't help you. Next!"

He did offer to have me open a checking account, at which point I could convert rolled coin. Yay. I would have to fill in paperwork for an account I wouldn't have any intention of using just so I could convert the coins to another form of currency. I was tempted to do that just so I could turn around and close the account; but I figured there was a minimum deposit requirement or some other way of preventing me from doing exactly what I was tempted to do. I couldn't be the first person to want to do that.

At this point I left the bank and checked the time; I had a little less than an hour to get to the bank I actually had an account with in order to convert the coinage, which at that point was making my fingertips tingle from the lack of circulation in my hand.

I hiked the three blocks to a subway, waited for the non-rush-hour train schedule for a subway car to arrive, and ride a couple stops to the area with the bank with whom I have an account. I hobble up the stairways leading to the non-subterranean world and up to the bank.

I go in, stand in line, and reach the teller. "Can you convert rolled coin to bills?," I said, pulling up my little case and popping it open.

"Do you have an account with us?"

I bit back the urge to reply with sarcasm, but I was also irritated that the bank was asking me this question in the first place. "Yes," I said, probably with a note of exasperation. I was surprisingly tired from the walk and carrying 3 digits' worth of metal encased in paper rolls.

He asked for my bank card or other ID, which I slid under the bullet-proof plastic to him along with the steady feed of paper cylinders. "Next time," he said, "you should write your account number on the rolls."

Write my...mother fucker, what? You want me to write that long-ass number on each of these rolls? "Write the account on each of those?," I repeated.

"Yeah, in case there's, you know, coins missing or something. It can be tied to the account." So...M&T is officially more petty than many quick-e-marts who will fudge a few cents from a cup on the counter if it makes a transaction a little easier or faster; you know, because rounding is easier than juggling pennies. I'm an idiot customer that has banked with this organization for years, and they're basically threatening to dig into my account if I'm a quarter or two shy in the count.

If only they had the technology available to dump coins into a bin and automatically sort and roll them for themselves, all while keeping track of the value of the coins. The strange thing is I'm pretty sure they have this technology available since I'm seen some kiosk that does precisely that, only for a fee, and it gives you currency in the form of a goddamned gift card.

Perhaps banks could convince a company to create something similar, only for them, so they can get accurate counts of money for their customers. to convert coins to bills. Wouldn't that be fantastic? You'd think that organizations with millions of dollars flowing through it could afford to purchase such a technological wonder and thus remove the nasty obligatory insinuation that their customers are thieves.

Remember when banks weren't entirely evil? Or at least made some effort to hide their disdain for customers, behind a happy mask of faux concern for customer satisfaction?

I was tired and a little irritated, but I at least had my much lighter form of currency. Now we just need to find out from the other bank how they justify my home losing tens of thousands of dollars in value because of our cats not being willing to not shit.